barbedflower


Thoughts...

Living With All My Might


Home
barbedflower

What does home mean to you?

To me, home is living in darkness and in fear. Being at home means shackled in my room. Going to the bathroom and kitchen is a luxury.

I get nervous and fear hearing the room door open because it usually means I am about to be scolded for some unreasonable things that I did not do. I check and check again if the lights and fan is switched off lest I get another scolding again.

I rather starve and no longer cook in fear of getting scolded for using the dish dryer.

I no longer watch TV because it is deemed to be distracting and the TV remotes are all hidden.

I try to live like a mouse and be as non-existent as possible so that he will forget that I exist.

I forgot how to laugh and smile because those are not allowed at home.

I spend my time in darkness so often that the darkness and solitude became a friend.

I get nervous and my heart beats erratically out of fear that his temper would be taken out on me instead.

I live in constant fear not knowing when he would explode.

If this is home, how is it different from being imprisoned both physically and mentally?


Getting older
barbedflower

I feel like I am watching life pass me by. I exist but do I truly live? I am always saying that we should be living our life to the fullest except that I am not sure that I truly do that.

I had a crazy idea yesterday. I should start writing. I never had problems with writing except that I am not a good one. My language skills is not good and I have a lot of problems with the flow.

Despite all that, I still write. Writing helps me to feel at peace.

Maybe I should start writing fanfictions instead. Something short and something manageable.

After all, its all for fun.

I can write about how I imagined my life would be if I found my significant other. I can write about my pain and sorrow.

Perhaps, it will give me a sense of peace that I long for.


Toxic People
barbedflower

I lost my temper this weekend when I found out my sister borrowed my shoes without asking for my permission. Its probably because of the accumulation of everything that she has done that I lost all patience.

She said that she needed to borrow my shoes because her shoes were being repaired. I couldnt take it when I remembered she bought a few pair of shoes recently. She didnt need to wear any of my shoes!

She would borrow things without permission and would not lend me hers. Not that there were many chances that I would even want to borrow her stuff. She knows that I am upset when she borrows my stuff but she does it anyway. I don't think she ever spared a thought about how I feel. She borrows my clothes, bags, belt etc. and would even call to borrow money like there is nothing wrong to call me at night and expect the money to be transferred immediately.

I would also end up helping mum to do the stuff that she promised other people she would do. She would change the direction of the fan while she is watching TV to be comfortable. I would then wake up and get frustrated because the weather is hot. She didn't even care to share the fan like how my brother would when he is playing his console games. She is  absolutely thoughtless and selfish.

I do not enjoy being taken advantage of.

However, the funny thing about the world is that suddenly, I am the villain. It's now my fault for losing my temper on that poor kid. Why?

I realised how toxic people can be. She cried after the whole ordeal and now is angry with me! I am now the unreasonable one even after everything that she did.

I am not stupid. I can tell Mum and my brother is avoiding talking to me about it. As usual, I am supposed to bite my tongue and be patient. Let people take advantage of me.

Should I cry then? It would be so easy to pretend I am weak instead of my natural instinct to fight.

It's now my fault. How many times has it been? No matter how unfair it was, it was still my fault.

I've had enough.


Celebration
barbedflower

Another day gone. I finally completed Phase 1 of my treatment today. It was a lot faster than the previous time. The doctor sounded so frustrated the last time because my gums kept bleeding and he could not do what he needed to.

It barely took 15 mins and he was kind enough to go through what needed to be done. There are a lot of things to do but as usual, we are going to take it one thing at a time. Eventually, its going to be okay. I am going to do what is necessary so that I dont have to suffer later in future. Things are already looking up. I have taken out all my wisdom tooth and that one tooth is no longer bothering me.

I am sleepy right now. I can probably attribute it to the dessert I ate just now. Its a wonderful celebration to end the long drawn battle. I've definitely come a long way since that accident which caused the tooth pain.

Months of treatment and visits until today. There are still a lot of things to do but what matters is that I am getting somewhere. I have not stopped and I will not stop.

It's going to be okay. I will do what I've always done. I am going to take one thing at a time. Solve one problem at a time.

All the problems will be solved eventually and I will worry about it another day.

Today, I celebrate! :)


Human
barbedflower

Ive been an angry person the past week. I felt that life was unfair and people were ungrateful. They were taking advantage of me and they weren't sensitive to my feelings.

I felt angry and envious that someone was going to get married and they would talk about getting a house or tips on weddings. How would that make me feel? Didnt they spare a thought about me? They obviously know I dont have any comments or any experience. It was a topic tht would exclude me. Didn't they realise that I would feel left out? Or so I thought and felt by myself.

I withdrew into myself for the past week feeling angry and depressed. Crying about my life and how unfair it all seemed. Why would someone like that able to get married and have someone to care about her? Whats wrong with me? I always tried to do the right thing. I always try to be kind and think about everyone else's feelings. Why doesn't anyone love me? Why didn't they care?

For the first time, positive thinking was not enough. I felt sad and cried. I felt inadequate and unloved. I felt all alone. My only consolation to myself was that it is okay to feel every bit of sadness and envy. I am only human. It would be weird if I didn't feel anything. My heart is still alive.

I felt better as time passed by. I knew it would be okay eventually. I would have dealt with all those negative feelings and put my thoughts and energies into something else. I am easily distracted and busy with a lot of things.

Today was not easy but I was focused at doing everything I needed to do. I spoke to a lot of people and was nice to everyone. I felt better and I felt like myself again. Life still goes on and its how I react to it that will make all the difference.

I will continue to feel sad everytime I am reminded about love and houses but I am only human. I will do my best to not let it affect me.

Its going to be okay.


Proud
barbedflower
This morning, I woke up feeling determined. I read on Facebook about the runner who finished Boston Marathon 2015 despite his difficulties.

You can read more here: http://www.wcvb.com/news/runner-with-muscular-dystrophy-vows-to-finish-boston-marathon/32476986

I was touched by his achievements and my problems seems small in comparison. Something happened again this morning and I felt like screaming as usual. I kept quiet as usual. I decided to read Dale Carnegie's book. I somehow felt better and enjoyed the ride to work. I saw a lot of colourful birds, probably new species too perched at some of the branches on top of the trees. It was a beautiful sight.

Also, I saw a bird's nest perched on this leafless tree. It was there, really high up and it looked amazing! I saw this beautiful yellow bird flying across the sky. I also saw a group of birds flew together.

I was grateful and amazed at the beautiful sights that I must have missed every morning.

I almost forgot about all the other people in the car. I enjoyed the sights and suddenly, a thought came to me. Who cares about who or what people who didnt matter to me say? They don't matter.

Life is good.

Sore Throat
barbedflower
Well laid plans really do go wrong sometimes. I planned to work today and spent the past two days preparing and buying necessities.

Who would have expected that I would have fallen sick today and could not work? Now that I feel better and decided to work, I realised that I did not bring my notes home to do the minutes. I won't be able to do anything today!

I suppose this is life. It'll be okay. I hope this sore throat will go away very soon. There are plenty of things to do and I need to be in the best of health to accomplish it.

There are all those trips and also events that I am looking forward to. Although getting a sore throat might be a blessing in disguise sometimes. I get to keep quiet instead of having to entertain people.
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Sageuks & Strong Women
barbedflower

I finally decided to watch Empress Ki and Queen Seon Deok. I must confessed that I did fast forward some parts while watching Queen Seon Deok though. Marathoning 62 eps is no joke at all!

Something seems to resonate with me during the aftermath of watching those two shows. The leading actress has an iron will to survive in those kind of world. I kept wondering if I could survive if I lived during those turbulent period.

Even Mishil was an amazing woman! It must have been painful to make some of the decisions that they did but I suppose if it threatens their survival, they would have done anything. I know I would.

Maybe this is why I am captivated by Sageuks as compared to contemporary Korean dramas. The heroines in contemporary Korean dramas are usually sweet, Candy-like and has to be protected by the men. The women in sageuks are the exact opposite.

I admire these strong-willed women. I wish I had enough strength like they did.


Thoughts
barbedflower

What is the world coming to, I wonder?

It is getting difficult to remember what it is that is happy in this world. There are epidemics, war, fighting, deaths and accidents that you feel for.

Even the smallest simplest things that bring you happiness might not be enough anymore. What do you do then?

I find myself asking these questions quite often these days.

Am I happy? What am I happy about? Am I happy with the way I'm living my life?

I wonder for hours. For the life of me, I don't know if I am happy.

It's really a sad thing.

Life still goes on though and I learn to just be grateful for everything. Say what I want to say without holding back and remember to say thank you for everything.

That's how I'm living my life now. Sure, it's simple. Sure, it's quiet. Sure, it's boring.

At the end of the day, maybe this is what makes me happy.


My Steps Linger
barbedflower

Its been a while. Real life got in the way. Now that i get to take a little breather,  I am feeling the full effects of Faith drama.

It really doesn't matter who says what,  the truth is,  the drama just gets under your skin. Many people have commented endlessly about the many flaws that drama has and what it could have been.

My only thoughts is just the question,  So?  At first,  I was shocked by the ending with them just looking at each other and I do admit that I was greedy and wanted more but the more times I thought about it after rewatching it,  the ending was perfect and in character.

This drama really got me bad. Nothing has changed in my routine and its going to take a while for things to change. I still check in to read the soompi forum to read the info,  I check in if there are new fanfics in Livejournal and I also watch Faith at least once a day.

Like the title of the post,  the drama lingers on long after it ended. I don't think any other drama is going to replace Faith in a long long time. The feelings it left me will linger on and it reminds me of how beautiful faith and trust could be thanks to CY and ES. The most important thing I took away from the show is that I should live my life with all my might despite any challenges that would come my way.

Thank you for everything,  the fanfics,  the videos,  the recaps, the journal entries. It really kept me entertained and made me feel normal spazzing about Faith.

Thank you!


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